My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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