This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
