your parents love me but you hate me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
