No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't put those talents on a resume
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
