how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
