just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
