Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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