I looked at my own cervix.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
