The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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