only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
