I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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