I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
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So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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