I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
