Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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