If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
