Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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