I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
