im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Randomize
