you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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