His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
