oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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