You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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