In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
