i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
