Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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