someone get that fucking seahorse.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Im part way to drunk.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize