she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
