dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Randomize
