I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
