Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
