Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
