How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
