I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
