Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
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I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
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How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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