i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
