hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
