i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
