Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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