Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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