Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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