you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
