you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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