You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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