Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
