Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
