so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
