New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
