He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
