You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
