Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
