what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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