i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im holly from the hills drunk
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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