I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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