Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
