Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
