I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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