i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
