Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
