my phone needs a breathalizer
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
