I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
