its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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