Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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